Анекдоты на русском и английском

Funny Blond Jokes

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, «How in the world do you know I am a blonde?»

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,»That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!»

 

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said «You know — it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!»

To this, the other blonde replies «I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her

 

You’ve got mail

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: «You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.»

The blonde answered, «No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.»

 

Blondes change a lightbulb

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

 

Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.

 

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?

Blonde: No, it’s working fine.

Operator: Then what’s the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

 

Mind telling me the time?

BLONDE: «Excuse me, what time is it right now?»

WOMAN: «It’s 11:25PM.»

BLONDE: (confused look on face) «You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I’ve asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer.»

 

Helping a blond lose weight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

«I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.»

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

«Why, that’s amazing!» the doctor says. «Did you follow my instructions?»

The blonde nods. «I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.» «From hunger, you mean?» said the doctor.

«No, from skipping,» replied the blonde.

 

Someone really stinks

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, «Now how can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?»

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, «Now how do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?»

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, «Darling, I’ve a confession to make.»

And she says, «So have I, love.»

To which he replies, «Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.»

 

Too much speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

«But, officer,» the man began, «I can explain»

«Just be quiet,» snapped the officer. «I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.»

«But, officer, I just wanted to say»

«And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!»

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, «Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.»

«Don’t count on it,» answered the fellow in the cell. «I’m the groom.»

 

 

 

Источник: http://stroyrubrika.ru

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